19 eggs

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I start shaking. My heart is banging like the Duracell battery rabbit playing symbols after a six pack of Redbull energy drink and a double espresso. This lasts for a couple hours and is
followed by a 24 hour depression from consuming just the smallest sprinkling of sugar in my peppermint tea. So I try to exclude all sugar, including fruit, from my diet. I find my wife’s buttery, sweet baked porridge flapjacks hard to resist and feel bulimic when I copy President Clinton “smoking pot routine” and don’t ingest them, but just chew & then unceremoniously spit it out in the bucket. I really love the buttery malty flavour, but I’m completely scared of the potential effects when my body rejects Lyle and Tates golden syrup, which undoubtedly leads to a Robert De Niro “Awakening” type stupor in the corner.

I am curious of the effects of maple syrup and honey would give  me. It could give interesting viewing to an audience, similar to the kids eating Ghost Chilli videos on YouTube. I have been informed that maple syrup has a low GI index and just maybe my body won’t have the a sever reaction.

I used to eat spoonfuls of St Cyrus Heather Honey. It was addictive. It is sickly sweet but totally savory. It’s like a devouring a smooth viscous barley coloured field of flowers (the bees in the North East of Scotland are professionals.) For me, these food experiments would be like dropping into snowy alpine fun park for the first time. You have to consider the consequences if the landing turns out to be flat and icy then you’re going to be limping for weeks, maybe years, but it could have a sweet steep transition, with a “ball deep” powdery landing. But these days instead of hitting any kicker with maxed out speed and fingers crossed, I check out the take off and landing. This means less time in the air but my knees are still holding together. With keen self preservation, which I lacked in my younger days, I can’t see me dropping into the maple syrup 1/2 pipe or hitting the honey rainbow rail any time soon.

My body rejects sugar, but for some reason loves carbohydrates. It doesn’t want to give them up and quite literally imprisons them into my belly. A pizza or a 1/2 dozen croissants will make my belly swell up to resemble a basketball stuffed up my jumper. I am on the middle age quest for a six pack and try to restrict my carbohydrate intake. Years ago I would go offshore to work and in between 12 hour shifts, I would train for 2-3 hours a day, oblivious to calories and food types and lose 10 kilos in 6 weeks. Lifting weights, sitting on exercise bikes and making the heli-deck my personal gym, skipping, lunging, planking and press ups under the West African or Gulf of Mexico sun. I was able to go home with muscles bulging and a tan in all the right places.

Within 2 weeks of my leave, chips, cider and sandwiches would take their toll and I would still be tanned but bulging in the wrong places. On a “eat anything diet” my body weight fluctuated similar to a roller-coaster with the subtraction or addition of a nearly a kilo a day from 88 kilos to 105. I have now stabilised at 82 kilos + or – 2 kilos for the last two years. I even got down to 77 kilos for a few weeks but cider and pies ruined it. I was sugar free, so an Atkins type diet was not so daunting. Giving up carbohydrates, like all journeys starts with small steps but feels like massive leaps.

Rice? Easy, just order 2 curries instead of one curry with basmati rice and a nan bread.

Pasta? Easy. A whole packet of rocket from Tesco’s with bolognaise sauce works just as well as a bowl of tasteless dried pasta.

Potatoes? Easy. Mashed cauliflower or roasted carrots beetroot and peppers.

If it was this easy then the NHS would be financially stable, but obesity and diabetes are causing some strain, and McDonalds and Greggs companies demand their greedy pockets filled like their customers bellies.

Increasing protein intake and reducing carbohydrates takes some planning. You just can’t make a sandwich or boil the kettle for a pot noddle when you are hungry. My fridge is full of salami sausages and packs of sliced ham. Also bags of sugar snapped peas are a must. Breakfast is protein shakes or eggs. Porridge was on the menu for a while, but I required an anger management counselor by 10:30am in the morning as it didn’t sustain my levels. Even making it with coconut milk and a large spoonful of peanut butter helped reduce the anger issues, but my belly started swelling up.

Lunch is the hardest. Greggs bakers should have to pay an obese NHS tax. Have you every tried to buy lunch without carbohydrates in Scotland? It is near impossible. When I was a carpet fitter it was four cheese and tuna burnt rolls or a fish supper….. for lunch.  These days a quick lunch on the run will be 5 slice square sausage, 2 slices of bacon, 2 or 3 fried eggs in a box from the snack van and if I’m feeling greedy, haggis and coleslaw will be added. (Rusk in sausage and haggis are carbs, but are considered a treat).

Dinner is easy as I do most of the cooking in the house and enjoy trying new carb free recipes. Offshore it gets tricky with the same catering company as prisons, but prisoners receive a larger budget. It’s limited to say the least. Snacks are stale cakes, so every morning a hand full of boiled eggs are placed in my bag. With an 8 egg omelette for breakfast, then 3 eggs at 9 am and 3 eggs at 3pm my egg intake can seem extreme. My record after discovering an Irish pub in Mobile Alabama serving a pair scotch eggs in a basket with jar of coarse mustard, is 19 eggs in one day.  By the way, my cholesterol is spot on..

I worry about processed meats and links to cancer and have started eating vast quantities of tofu and chick peas. I know my diet is excessive, however, I have never felt this good in my life. I am clear headed and focused and my body is in the best shape it has ever been.

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